I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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