I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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