And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
