Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
