my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
