The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
