I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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