Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
