just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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