Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
