he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
bring money and cleavage
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Randomize
