Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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