Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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