I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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