They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
