May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I need to calm my uterus...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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