Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
