i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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