I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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