how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
