Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
