So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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