I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
