New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
