if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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