What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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