I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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