Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
