It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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