I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
