My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
