Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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