sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
