Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
