I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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