just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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