if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
