Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
