so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
