I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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