Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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