I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
