Swine flu is the new snow day.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
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