No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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