He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
