Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
