Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize