I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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