Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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