i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
