I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
