My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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