She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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