Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
