You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
