Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
