last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
