I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
