I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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