Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
