we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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