I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
