Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
