i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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