did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
