I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
